All that said, I do feel a little bit of withdrawal from not making year-end lists and ruthlessly reducing cinema into narrow-cubicle categories, so — in lieu of attempting to find enough movie moments out of time from the three dozen new movies I’ve seen this year (which I may do after my Netflix binge) — here are some snappy answers to stupid questions from a film discussion board.

Best Title: Unaccompanied Minors

Best Trailer: Little Children // Black Snake Moan

Worst Trailer: Miss Potter

Best Shot: auto-fellatio guy in his own mouth, Shortbus

Best Action Sequence: I didn’t even like the movie, but the chase scene in L’Enfant was pretty good

Best Fight: what everyone said (hint, nude wrestling)

Best Use of a Song: “Back In The Day (Puff),” Dave Chapelle’s Block Party

Best Sex Scene: see Best Fight

Best Nudity: dumpy girls, Hostel

Best Location: the block, Dave Chapelle’s Block Party

Best Villain: New Times

Best Death: my will to see new movies

Funniest Line: Volver’s Penelope Cruz passing off her murder cover-up blood by calling it her lady problems, or her monthly visitor, or whatever the translator called it

Most Cringe-Inducing Delivery of a Line: “She looks like that dead girl,” The Black Dahlia

Best Child Performance: Dakota Fanning in perpetuity

Most Badass Motherfucker: the cinematographer who shot that eye removal, Hostel

Best Casting: Shortbus (the couch, I mean)

Best Performance in a Bad Movie: Sam Elliot, Thank You For Smoking

Worst Performance in Good Movie: Jamie Foxx, Miami Vice

Worst Performance Overall: Scarlett Johansson, A Good Woman

Most Pretentious: The Ister

Most Annoying Disappointment: L’Enfant

Most Underrated: I mean, yeah, only Marker fanboys like me could possibly have any use for The Case of the Grinning Cat, but c’mon…

Biggest Hottie (Male): Gael García Bernal, The Science of Sleep (this, by the way, is the first time I’ve found him incredibly attractive)

Biggest Hottie (Female): Erykah Badu, Dave Chapelle’s Block Party

Best Cameo: John Lithgow’s hair, Dreamgirls

Best Twist: Jamie Foxx learns the hard way that Jennifer Hudson is telling him, Dreamgirls

Best MacGuffin: New York’s mayor of AIDS, Shortbus

Best Inanimate Object: Strawberry sauce, Flags of Our Fathers

Best Use of Silence: the moments when audiences weren’t clapping for Dreamgirls

Didn’t See It, and It Kills Me: Army of Shadows

Best DVD Release: Vice Squad

Fell Asleep During: 2006

Walked Out Of: my blog

Most likely to be considered a masterpiece in thirty years: Dreamgirls in the same sense that I would’ve chosen Crash last year, because middlebrow always rises to the top

Best Ending: this gay episode of MTV’s “Parental Control” when the plain-looking, self-appointed princess-boy chose a studly military dude over his crass but extremely-hot-in-a-straight-way boyfriend and the military dude is all “I’m glad you picked me, but your ex-boyfriend is hawt” and the two of them make out in front of the poor princess and his parents … cold as ice!

• Lists, Lists, Lists

Posted by Eric on Wednesday, January 3rd, 2007 at 3:00 pm.